A Maryland-Clemson preview by The Hot Seat

What up.  It’s The Hot Seat, fool.  You know, I’m a lot like life insurance, or Santa Claus.  People don’t really think about me until it’s time to think about me.  But when it’s time, it’s motherfraggin’ time. Nothing else will do. Know what I mean?

Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeit.

No one’s learning that lesson any better than Ralph Friedgen.  Because I’m back in the CP, and I’m grabbin ALLLLLL the headlines. Ralph’s sitting on me for the first time in his career, and I am burning his a$$ like I was grilling a Chateaubriand.  From my perspective, better this year than last, I suppose.  You know. Because of the weight loss. But still…it ain’t pleasant for either of us.  But what other choice is there?  It’s program uncertainty this, and contract buyout that. Even The Bethany Beach Wave is piling on. And those beach people usually don’t get upset about anything. I should know. I vomited in a crib there once, and they didn’t even kick me out. They were just like, cool, have another margarita.

Okay, that last part never actually happened. I don’t get out much. I’m just a seat. Whatever, dude.

So back to the Fridge. What’s a fan base to do?  I’ll tell you what they do. They call me.  I’m like the Wolf.  I solve coaching problems.  I’m in my Acura, and BOOM, I was at Bentley’s in, like, 2.4 minutes.

And I’m cookin. I’m tellin you, man, I’m on overdrive. But it’s not working. Because Ralph’s contract ends after 2011. To get him out before then, it’s gonna cost $4.5 million. As we all know, the athletic department — hell, the university — just doesn’t have that kind of scratch. So basically, he’d have to quit. For him to leave that money on the table, I would have to get hotter than the blazes of Hell itself. Hotter than a Meagan Fox sandwich on Bar Refaeli with a side of Michele Trachtenberg. I don’t even know if that’s possible. Plus, it would just mean you’d get James Franklin that much earlier. Oh, you want to set him down on Yours Truly as well? Blow it up and start fresh? That’s another cool $1 million.

Man. I wouldn’t want to be you right now.

So now to the game. You know, honestly, I don’t know that much about football. I just show up, get the coach fired, and leave. I do my job, I get my glory, I go home. But from my perspective, both these teams are pretty mediocre. Clemson is ALWAYS mediocre. Dig up Bear Bryant to coach them and they’re STILL mediocre. To me, that’s just how Clemson rolls. But you know what? Maryland is worse than mediocre right now. They suck. They just plain suck. We could go through and be like matchups this, and “players to watch for” that, but what’s the point? That would imply that there are leverage points in this game…areas to be exploited. Until Maryland’s offense stops turning it over four times a game, and Maryland’s defense stops surrendering 72 points per game, isn’t it all just kind of a superfluous exercise? Not to get all political, but it’s like breaking down Iraq’s chances against the U.S. military. “Well, if the Republican Guard can just hole up in some key buildings, and the IUDs catch some Humvee tires…” No. That’s bull crap and you know it’s bull crap. It’s gonna be a butt-whoopin, period. Maryland is gonna get worked in every game until further notice. Or until Yours Truly — one way or another — rides out of College Park. Metaphorically, of course. I don’t really ride anywhere. Again. I’m just a seat.

Prediction: Maryland 13, Clemson 30

P.S., if you liked my guest post here, throw these guys a vote for Best Terps Blog in the Mobbie Awards. It takes two seconds, buddy. I know you can do it. Sheeeeeeeeit.