Posts Tagged ‘next on Anderson Cooper 360


How Is the Football Team Spending its Bye Week?

Ever wondered what football players and coaches do during the bye week? Specifically wondering about the Maryland football team, who after consecutive losses to UVA and Duke now finds itself at 2-6 and nearly becoming the universal pick for worst team in the ACC?

Well, wonder no more. Through our inside sources, Shell Games has provided this exclusive update on coach and player bye week activities. Let us rejoice and be glad in it.

— Chris Turner: Shivering in a Simi Valley irrigation ditch

— James Franklin: Shivering in the film room

— Don Brown: Shivering in the bar room

— Ralph Friedgen: Shivering beneath an Old Country Buffet steam table

— Demetrius Hartsfield: Shivering in a training room hot tub

— Entire offensive line: Shivering through inspirational visit to spackle factory

— Anthony Wiseman and Cameron Chism: Shivering. Just shivering. So dark. So very, very dark.

— Da’rel Scott and Davin Meggett: Carrying footballs along the beach. Sipping cold drinks out of football-
     shaped glasses. Clutching stuffed footballs in sleep. Shivering.

— Nick Ferrara: Long Island. Banging.

— Travis Baltz: Saving shivering children from trees

— Torrey Smith: A whirlwind tour of the country, stopping in Oakland, Detroit, Kansas City, St. Louis…
     you know, just for shits and giggles.


“We eat kids,” huh? We’ll just see about this.

Perhaps you saw it on the D.C. Sports Bog yesterday. Or, perhaps you caught it on Rome is Burning or PTI. In any event, you may be aware by now that the Maryland women’s basketball team has a little motivational slogan for themselves this year. But not just any slogan. A very special slogan. It’s like Ubuntu, except not. Inspired by the ramblings of Mike Tyson (and who isn’t), the Lady Terps created the motto: “We Eat Kids.”

Some people have reacted rather “voraciously” to this revelation, and you know what? I don’t blame them. After all, do the Lady Terps really espouse this behavior?  How can we know?

I’ll tell you how. Because I recently sat down to dinner with them. Guess what was on the menu.

We started out with some basic small talk — you know, their great season, their championship prospects, the weather, Obama, recently released films that we had enjoyed.  Chips and salsa were available to whet our appetites.  Those of us of legal age partook in a delightful “adult beverage” or two.  But before too long, we were ready for the main course. Now I admit it; I was something of a babe in the woods (sorry) on this thing. I must have missed the “Kids” episode of Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmern, so I didn’t know quite what to expect. What’s the proper etiquette here? What parts are good to eat?  But never fear. The ladies were with me every step of the way.

Now before I go any further, I just want to make one thing clear to all you letter writers out there. Our chef (can’t remember now where he said he trained) informed me that these kids were terminated in as humane a way as possible. And I can attest to that.  When the kids came out, they wore peaceful, almost angelic expressions on their faces.  As a new father, that gave me a lot of comfort.

You don’t actually eat the head, though. It’s just for presentation. They removed it before the carving.

I ended up with a thigh. Let’s give it a go, huh? Down the hatch, right? Nothing ventured nothing gained, no? You never know until you try, know what I mean?  Are you with me?

The meat had a tender, almost buttery texture. Not too bad! Think veal, except more, I don’t know, human-y. The Lady Terps hungrily tucked in to their big team meal. They sure can pack the kids away! The chef was going to go back to the school for more, but everyone decided against it for some reason. I didn’t really follow the explanation. What am I, a lawyer?

You know what else I had while I was there? Roasted tomatillos.  Fantastic!

So please. Everyone out there can just rest easy. Because the Lady Terps? They walk the walk. I found that “We Eat Kids” is not only a motto for these women. It’s a credo. My guess is they’ll be looking pretty well-fortified this Saturday when they take on Vanderbilt in the Sweet 16! Three cheers, ladies! And thanks again for dinner.


Maryland alternate uniforms: Black vs. Gold
















 Time for some more Shell Games crack reporting.

Did you know that Maryland is the only D-1 school with FOUR team colors? It’s true, my friend.  And with all these colors come many opportunities for uniform sales designs. And ever since Nike took it over, everyone’s gotten a little more greedy inventive. Hence the gold and black alternate uniforms.

They’re both tight unis. No question. So the real question is, which one has better karma?

As you know, on Tuesday the Terps rocked the blacks at Carolina but got rocked 108-91 (nice word play, MASH,  hey, thanks, MASH, I appreciate that).  But did you know they first wore the blacks back in 2004, and lost a scrimmage to some Italian team?  That is not a good sign. Not hospitaliano as I know it. After that, a superstitious Gary Williams shelved the jerseys, supposedly forever. But back they came for the Terps’ 2006 ACC tournament game against Boston College, which the Terps promptly lost 80-66. And now there’s the Carolina game. The lesson here: get the hell rid of those black jerseys right the hell now. Burn them in the alley and watch the ghosts fly out.  They look pretty good, so maybe down the road break them out against Central Delaware Tech or something and try to build a new legacy. But for now, they need at least a few years of non-existence.

Now for the golds. Of course, these are a holdover from the Lefty Driesell years, but Maryland first wore the new-school golds last season in a 73-48 win over Holy Cross. They rocked the gold again a week ago in a big 73-68 win over Miami.

So by my count, they’re 0-3 in the blacks and 2-0 in the golds. There you have it. Case closed. Gold uniforms for every game. This is the answer we’ve all been looking for. We’re through the looking glass here, people.  You can mail the Pulitzer to my house.

(Photo credits: Gold uni: Jonathan Newton — The Washington Post; Black uni: The ACC)


So why is the Boise field blue?

And I’m not talking about some jokey answer like “oh, a bunch of Smurfs peed on it,” or “a bunch of Smurfs puked on it,” or “oh, a bunch of Smurfs were killed, ground up, and one night a paste made from their bones and organs was grimly tilled into the topsoil.”   Save your hilarious jokes for The Laugh Factory, why don’t you. Because I have a fever, and the only prescription is The Truth.  So you know what I did?  I rolled up my sleeves, and I did me some good old-fashioned reporting.


There’s a little bit of background about the blue field on the Boise State Web site. For example, did you know that the blue field was installed in 1986?  That’s right, bitch.  It surely was.

But sometimes dates and names aren’t enough. Sometimes your brain just demands that some semblance of reason be applied to such horrors. This is why people still read “Mein Kampf.”  And this is why I e-mailed the Boise State athletic department.

A very friendly person got right back to me with an answer.  What madness lurks unseen in this history?  Are you ready for the big reveal?  The answer is as follows:

Our athletics director decided to do it for something different.

I am seizing up.

Oh. Well.  Er, I guess he succeeded.  As did the Washington Wizards, Bjork, and the makers of Tequiza.  After all, it’s great to be different.  And make no mistake — Tequiza is still the best squirrell repellent money can buy.  You want to get serious about repelling some squirrells, you call me.  I’ll bring the Tequiza.  Game over.

Evidently there are now two lucky high schools with blue fields, but sadly, we may never see another one in the college ranks. According to my insider source at Boise State, “a few years after [Boise State] installed [their eye-hurting blue] turf the NCAA passed a rule that you could no longer install non-green fields. But we were grandfathered in. No other NCAA school can have a non-green field.”

So there you have it.   Don’t say I never put in no work on this blog.


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September 2020