Posts Tagged ‘Football

08
Nov
09

terps lose game, turner, virginity to nc state

It’s one of those times when I hate being right, but in Maryland’s 38-31 loss to NC State this afternoon the game covered the over and State covered the spread.   I had a feeling this was coming given that both teams employ the Wet Paper Dag defense.  It’s an innovative variation on the 3-4 where the linemen use only their thumbs to tackle and the secondary covers the cheerleaders.

Even as turnovers mounted for the Wolf Pack, the Terps yielded 482 total yards to NC State.  Adding injury to insult, Chris Turner left the game in the first half with an injury to his MCL.  Backup Jamarr Robinson was ineffective in relief, going 5-11 passing with 27 yards in the second half.

Chris Turner could be lost for the rest of the year.  The Terps finish the season with three tough opponents, starting with Virginia Tech this weekend and continuing with games against Florida State and Boston College.  If you think the team looks ugly now, look for it to get uglier in the next three weeks.  There may be some competition for the starting QB job between Robinson and Danny O’Brien to keep you tuned in.  Either way, the Terps have a long November ahead of them.

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06
Nov
09

maryland versus nc state in football: the failure will be palpable

The Lakers versus the Celtics in the 1984 NBA Finals at the Old Boston Garden

The Yankees versus the Dodgers in the 1963 World Series at Ebbitts Field

The Terps versus the Wolf Pack in 2009 at Carter-Finley Stadium

One of these games is not like the others.

The 2-6 Maryland Football Terps roll into Raleigh tomorrow to take on the 3-5 NC State Wolf Pack in a battle of ACC bottom feeders.  Eric Prisbell reports in the Post that this is one of two DI-A games that is not televised this weekend, the other being Baylor vs. Missouri.  While that nugget was the result of some cutting edge investigative reporting, the rest of Prisbell’s article leaves the impression that there is some reason to watch this game.  Even if this game was on terrestrial television rather than E-f’ing-SPN 360, there is zero chance I’d watch it, and even less of a chance that my co-blogger MASH would watch it given his newfound multimedia fame.

Both teams have suffered a number of injuries, including some to key underclassmen, which means that this game will do little to show progress and growth in either team.  Despite the fact that the winner of this game remains “bowl eligible”, neither team will win out, so eligibility is a moot (checking the spelling this time so I won’t be muted) point.  Neither team plays defense period.  Maryland ranks 104th in the country giving up about 32pts per game, while NC State ranks 89th at 29pts per game.  The saddest fact about this game is that both teams have lost to Duke this season.  Maybe this is how ESPN 360 should promote the game, “Both teams are looking for blood following embarrassing losses to Duke, the worst football program in the long history of the conference.”  Wait, nope, that still doesn’t make me care.

Vegas has NC State at a 6.5pt favorite and the over/under is 56.5.  I belive the Wolf Pack will cover.  One thing they can do is score, and Maryland’s depleted defense will not be able to keep them off the field.  Conversely, the Terps have not been able to get the ball in the end zone very much this year, scoring only 22pts per game against a schedule that has included some pretty weak opponents to this point.

Final Score: NC State 33 Maryland 26.  The Wolf Pack will cover and take the over.  If there is any defense played in this game it will be by the losing coach in the postgame press conference.

I have to go and take a shower now.  I feel dirty just writing about this terrible game.  Go Terps… blech.

30
Oct
09

How Is the Football Team Spending its Bye Week?

Ever wondered what football players and coaches do during the bye week? Specifically wondering about the Maryland football team, who after consecutive losses to UVA and Duke now finds itself at 2-6 and nearly becoming the universal pick for worst team in the ACC?

Well, wonder no more. Through our inside sources, Shell Games has provided this exclusive update on coach and player bye week activities. Let us rejoice and be glad in it.

— Chris Turner: Shivering in a Simi Valley irrigation ditch

— James Franklin: Shivering in the film room

— Don Brown: Shivering in the bar room

— Ralph Friedgen: Shivering beneath an Old Country Buffet steam table

— Demetrius Hartsfield: Shivering in a training room hot tub

— Entire offensive line: Shivering through inspirational visit to spackle factory

— Anthony Wiseman and Cameron Chism: Shivering. Just shivering. So dark. So very, very dark.

— Da’rel Scott and Davin Meggett: Carrying footballs along the beach. Sipping cold drinks out of football-
     shaped glasses. Clutching stuffed footballs in sleep. Shivering.

— Nick Ferrara: Long Island. Banging.

— Travis Baltz: Saving shivering children from trees

— Torrey Smith: A whirlwind tour of the country, stopping in Oakland, Detroit, Kansas City, St. Louis…
     you know, just for shits and giggles.

24
Oct
09

Maryland football team loses to Duke, hits rock bottom, sucks

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I want to congratulate the Maryand football team, with every sarcastic fiber in my being, for losing to Duke 17-13 today. That’s the same Duke team that hasn’t made a bowl game since 1994. The same Duke team that, between the 1999 season and this very game, has gone 19-101. Seriously.

Not to go over the cliff too much, but I think it’s safe to say we’re currently the worst-performing team in the ACC. 

There’s no single remedy for Maryland. We won the turnover battle 4-3 (yay, only three turnovers!) but couldn’t capitalize. Didn’t score a TD until late in the third quarter, and it was our only one. 67 total rush yards, 182 pass yards to Duke’s 23 and 371. At least we stopped their running game. Not that that was a “key to victory” or anything. It’s like saying we stopped a cat from barking.

Questionable coaching calls everywhere. Another too-little, too-late, stat-padding comeback attempt. The Terps actually ended this one themselves by coughing it up twice in the final five minutes. Torrey Smith caught a grand total of two balls for 13 yards. 38% third down conversion rate.  What else do you need to know? Thanks to good old ESPN360, I didn’t actually watch the game. But judging by the various updates and discussion boards, that is a good thing. Thanks, ESPN360! I never thought your evil would pay dividends.

Oh, were you thinking Duke is up this year? Bzzzzt. No they’re not. They’re still Duke. Duke sucks. Fu*k Duke. If they make a bowl game then I’m Shirley Chisholm.

As for Maryland, I’m just searching for a phrase right now. What’s the phrase I’m looking for…noodle dicks? No, that’s too mean. I wouldn’t want to call these guys noodle dicks in a forum that is at least technically public.  If I were to call them noodle dicks, which they are, that would be an insult to The Kids.  You gotta respect The Kids.  Especially the kind of kids that bench 250 and run 4.5 forties.

Oh, wait, I’ve got the phrase now.  Losers.

It’s nice down here with us losers, isn’t it?  Sometimes, they drop a bucket of fish heads on us.  That’s when we party!

At 2-6, the absolute best-case scenario is a 6-6, .500 finish. Raise your hand if you think they can do that. If you have your hand raised, please keep it up while I come around and collect your wallets. After all, I have a bridge I need to sell you. I’m going to assume you’re interested and just take your money. Your raised arms enhance the convenience of my doing so.

The best thing we can do is just move on as a people. Loitering only contaminates the crime scene. Let’s do the decent American thing and just pretend the rest of the season isn’t happening. Deal? Deal.

23
Oct
09

I’m not doing a Maryland-Duke football preview

No guest stars this week. There’s nothing to say. Except, hey Maryland — beat Duke.

Beat Duke.

BEAT DUKE.

BEAT DUKE!!!!

I don’t care that Duke’s favored. I don’t care that it’s gonna rain. I don’t care that Duke has some hot-shot quarterback named Thaddeus. Does Thaddeus wear a derby hat out on the field instead of a helmet? Does he drink tea on the sidelines with his pinkie finger extended? That’s great. Thaddeus. Go to it, Thaddeus. I bet Charles Riggleton III and all the other Dookie trust fund babies really approve of your name, Thaddeus.

Maryland just needs to lace up their shoes and play ball. Fu*k Duke. Beat em, Terps.

Prediction: Maryland 27, Duke 17

22
Oct
09

Danny O’Brien: Under a Blood Red Shirt

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Aye, top o’ the mornin to ye. Is there anythin more pleasin to these old Irish eyes than to see a fair young Irish lad take to those emerald fields as the startin quarterback?  Nae.

And that’s why I was so overjoyed to hear that redshirt freshman Danny O’Brien, the young lad, might be relinquishin his red shirt to take the helm for the Terps.  But then, I was equally dismayed to see Ralph Friedgen a back-peddlin on the offer, even though he still says he’s thinkin about the future.  Ralph’s gonna talk with Chris Turner now, and methinks he’ll be blamin the old media for his gaffery.

To help Ralph in his deliberations, I wrote a wee ballad to tell the tale o’ Danny O’Brien.  Here’s hopin you be enjoyin it.  Did I mention I’m also part pirate?   Aye, tis true.  One-quarter pirate me matey.  It’s a shame Bart Lafitte ended up goin to LSU.

(Intro…it be a single Irish fiddle, a-playin- ever so softly)

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Danny Boy, his countenance fair,
His chin goatee so wispy,
he’d lay the defense on its ear
and torch their backs so crispy.

But nae he’ll get the chance I fear
to bail out the season.
Chris Turner is the man this year
for nary a good reason.

(enter the liltin o’ the Irish flute)

O’Brien has a shirt of red.
His play would be to waste it
But as a fan I want him to
play so bad I can taste it.

It’s not that he would be the man
who’d save us from the grave.
In fact I think he’d be well served
to first learn how to shave.

But from a selfish point of view
(as most points of view are),
It’d be more fun with Danny Boy
o’er Chris or — ugh — Jamarr

Here ends me tale of want and woe
with just a simple plea:
If Danny Boy should be the man
the cornerstone of future plans
then keep him on your knee;
But if you’re givin up forthwith
or markin time til Tyler Smith
then why not give the boy his chance
and see if he’ll survive the dance?

Slainte!

20
Oct
09

If we lose to Duke in football I’m gonna flip my sh*t

dukies

Yesterday Patrick Stevens noted that Duke is favored to beat Maryland this Saturday in Durham.

This is only the tenth time that Duke has been favored in any ACC game since 1995. Please re-read that sentence.

Duke is favored by eight points. EIGHT POINTS.

Duke is coming off a bye week in which they were hoping to improve their offensive line and running game. Sound familiar? But here’s a key difference: behind quarterback Thaddeus Lewis, who already holds several school records, Duke leads the ACC in passing offense with 314 yards and 2.6 touchdowns per game. Dear Anthony Wiseman: please wear your good shoes this Saturday.

But none of this matters. This is still football season, and Duke is still Duke. Maryland cannot lose to Duke in football. If the Terps lose to Duke this Saturday, I’m gonna flip out. And I don’t toss that phrase around lightly. I am going to FLIP. MY. SHIT. I might run somebody over with my car. That would be kinda neat. Wheeee! Bottom line: if the Terps give those white-bread elitist Titanic-reenacting Nancy Boys another reason to smirk at me during cocktail parties, I’m gonna lose it all over this Internet. Fair warning.

(Photo credit: Deadspin)




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