Posts Tagged ‘fu*k Duke


Maryland ranked fifth in preseason ACC poll

So Maryland is ranked fifth in the official ACC preseason poll. Seems a little low. Duke is picked to finish first. Seems a little high.

Clemson was picked third. I would complain that this seems high, but since they’ve beaten the Terps six out the last eight times they’ve played, I’ll just keep my mouth shut.

In the same announcement, Vasquez was picked second in the running for ACC Player of the Year. Seems about right. Duke’s Kyle Singler was picked first. Seems a little high. Although I most definitely have him number one in my preseason Player Who Most Looks Like Boo Radley Award. So he’s got that going for him. I hear the trophy is carved out of soap.


Maryland football team loses to Duke, hits rock bottom, sucks


I want to congratulate the Maryand football team, with every sarcastic fiber in my being, for losing to Duke 17-13 today. That’s the same Duke team that hasn’t made a bowl game since 1994. The same Duke team that, between the 1999 season and this very game, has gone 19-101. Seriously.

Not to go over the cliff too much, but I think it’s safe to say we’re currently the worst-performing team in the ACC. 

There’s no single remedy for Maryland. We won the turnover battle 4-3 (yay, only three turnovers!) but couldn’t capitalize. Didn’t score a TD until late in the third quarter, and it was our only one. 67 total rush yards, 182 pass yards to Duke’s 23 and 371. At least we stopped their running game. Not that that was a “key to victory” or anything. It’s like saying we stopped a cat from barking.

Questionable coaching calls everywhere. Another too-little, too-late, stat-padding comeback attempt. The Terps actually ended this one themselves by coughing it up twice in the final five minutes. Torrey Smith caught a grand total of two balls for 13 yards. 38% third down conversion rate.  What else do you need to know? Thanks to good old ESPN360, I didn’t actually watch the game. But judging by the various updates and discussion boards, that is a good thing. Thanks, ESPN360! I never thought your evil would pay dividends.

Oh, were you thinking Duke is up this year? Bzzzzt. No they’re not. They’re still Duke. Duke sucks. Fu*k Duke. If they make a bowl game then I’m Shirley Chisholm.

As for Maryland, I’m just searching for a phrase right now. What’s the phrase I’m looking for…noodle dicks? No, that’s too mean. I wouldn’t want to call these guys noodle dicks in a forum that is at least technically public.  If I were to call them noodle dicks, which they are, that would be an insult to The Kids.  You gotta respect The Kids.  Especially the kind of kids that bench 250 and run 4.5 forties.

Oh, wait, I’ve got the phrase now.  Losers.

It’s nice down here with us losers, isn’t it?  Sometimes, they drop a bucket of fish heads on us.  That’s when we party!

At 2-6, the absolute best-case scenario is a 6-6, .500 finish. Raise your hand if you think they can do that. If you have your hand raised, please keep it up while I come around and collect your wallets. After all, I have a bridge I need to sell you. I’m going to assume you’re interested and just take your money. Your raised arms enhance the convenience of my doing so.

The best thing we can do is just move on as a people. Loitering only contaminates the crime scene. Let’s do the decent American thing and just pretend the rest of the season isn’t happening. Deal? Deal.


I’m not doing a Maryland-Duke football preview

No guest stars this week. There’s nothing to say. Except, hey Maryland — beat Duke.

Beat Duke.



I don’t care that Duke’s favored. I don’t care that it’s gonna rain. I don’t care that Duke has some hot-shot quarterback named Thaddeus. Does Thaddeus wear a derby hat out on the field instead of a helmet? Does he drink tea on the sidelines with his pinkie finger extended? That’s great. Thaddeus. Go to it, Thaddeus. I bet Charles Riggleton III and all the other Dookie trust fund babies really approve of your name, Thaddeus.

Maryland just needs to lace up their shoes and play ball. Fu*k Duke. Beat em, Terps.

Prediction: Maryland 27, Duke 17


If we lose to Duke in football I’m gonna flip my sh*t


Yesterday Patrick Stevens noted that Duke is favored to beat Maryland this Saturday in Durham.

This is only the tenth time that Duke has been favored in any ACC game since 1995. Please re-read that sentence.

Duke is favored by eight points. EIGHT POINTS.

Duke is coming off a bye week in which they were hoping to improve their offensive line and running game. Sound familiar? But here’s a key difference: behind quarterback Thaddeus Lewis, who already holds several school records, Duke leads the ACC in passing offense with 314 yards and 2.6 touchdowns per game. Dear Anthony Wiseman: please wear your good shoes this Saturday.

But none of this matters. This is still football season, and Duke is still Duke. Maryland cannot lose to Duke in football. If the Terps lose to Duke this Saturday, I’m gonna flip out. And I don’t toss that phrase around lightly. I am going to FLIP. MY. SHIT. I might run somebody over with my car. That would be kinda neat. Wheeee! Bottom line: if the Terps give those white-bread elitist Titanic-reenacting Nancy Boys another reason to smirk at me during cocktail parties, I’m gonna lose it all over this Internet. Fair warning.

(Photo credit: Deadspin)


R.I.P., “Fear the Turtle”


So “Fear the Turtle” is kaput as the official university slogan. And I completely understand. Why not scrap a fun and innovative slogan that everyone associates with your university? You Google it and the first nine links are to Maryland stuff, including a Fear The Turtle sculpture project. Imagine the crestfallen looks on all those little sculptors’ faces. Unacceptable. Did no one think of the sculptors? Where are our elected “leaders” when you need them? We need to remove the veil from our eyes here, unless we want to saddle our young people with a wasteland of moldering kilns and traditional botanical gardens. A dark picture.

In any case, here’s a little help for whomever has that itchy trigger finger in the university marketing office. Yes, it’s the obligatory “blogger makes wacky alternate suggestions” post.

— Maryland is for Faggots
— The Jewel of Prince George’s County
— Terperus: The 13th Labor
— Where We Remain Satisfied With Our Recruiting Efforts, Thanks
— Presented by Under Armour
— One Person. Two Tuitions.
— Winning the Race (my “real” suggestion)
— Hey. You Like Lacrosse?
— Where Passion Burns Like So Many Secondhand Couches
— Our Coaches Will Whoop Your Coaches In a Pie-Eating Contest
— Maryland. Because Fu*k Duke, That’s Why.
— Me Like Beer


Why does Duke always have at least one player who looks like Boo Radley, redux

As the Terps prepare for one more shot at the Dookies this season, I thought it would be helpful to remind them what they’re up against. Watch out for the soap carvings, Terps! Those Duke rascals are liable to be stashing them  any old place.  Those fellas…I don’t know bout them.








Maryland Wrestling Team Just Doesn’t Want You to Hate It


Slim chance of that, after the Terps wrestlers won the 2009 ACC Championship over the weekend. Woo-hoo! Duke finished last, by the way. Those ninnies are lucky they have basketball to save their athletic department from total ignominy. 

Brendan Byrne, Steven Bell, and Alex Krom all won individual conference titles for the Terps as well. I didn’t see any of the matches, and know nothing about college wrestling, but I’m going to go out on a limb and say that they won with a sunset flip, a big splash off the top rope, and a chair to the opponent’s head after the referee got knocked out. Respectively. And you know what else? These guys are all juniors. I hope they don’t leave early for the pros.

One last redemption.  I'm just going to assume the championships went down like this.  I'm comfortable with that assumption.

One last redemption. I'm just going to assume the championships went down like this. I'm comfortable with that assumption.

On a serious note, given the exploding popularity of MMA leagues like the UFC, I wonder if any of these guys are interested in pursuing a career in that area. Lots of top UFC guys wrestled in college — Brock Lesnar, Chuck Liddell, Randy Couture, Shane Carwin, Josh Koshchek, just to name a few — so it seems to be a prime entry point into the sport. Someone who is less lazy (and, you know, employed) than me should look into that.

All in all, four Maryland wrestlers qualified for the NCAA Wrestling Championships, which happen March 19-21 in St. Louis. And not St. Louis, Missouri, either. Wrestling hotbed St. Louis. Congratulations guys, good luck, and Go Terps!


Terps inch a little closer with N.C. State win

It’s been a crazy few days here in the D.C. area.  The Obama administration’s first budget, The Biggest Snow Storm in Years coming through (although it’s gonna end up only being like two inches, but whatever), plus the resignation of Nats GM Jim Bowden under some strange circumstances, and of course, let’s not forget the Redskins overpaying for Albert Haynesworth and winning yet another Paper Bowl, for which, last I checked, you receive no trophy.

Not to be outdone, Terpland was abuzz as well, as the men’s and women’s lacrosse teams both dispatched the Dookies, the lady hoopsters won an ACC title, and last but not least, the men beat N.C. State to keep their tournament hopes afloat.  Only two games left, and as usual it’s set up for a crazy end.  Can the Terps do it?  I want to believe, Scully.

This game embodied how people thought Maryland would be this season. They got totally worked on the blocks (Wolfpack center Tracy Smith was like Baby Shaq down there), but the Terps guards were able to compensate, turning N.C. State’s miserable ball handlers over 16 times while keeping their own mistakes to a minimum.

Vasquez led the way from wire to wire, scoring 33 on a combination of threes and pretty runners in the lane. Even more importantly, he did a great job of keeping Evil Greivis at bay — that is, until he swished a meaningless three at the buzzer just to piss off the fans. And he wonders why he’s a target. But whatever. Vasquez has been rolling lately, and may have worked his way back into all-ACC contention. Props also to the resurgent Cliff Tucker (man, has he been nice down the stretch) and the rock solid Big Dave Neal, who hit four Big Dave threes.

Given the mismatches inside, this had Trap Game written all over it. N.C. State made it tight, but the Terps manned up and pulled away.  I’m dangerously close to drinking the Kool-Aid on this team.  I’ve just been burned so many times, it’s hard to let my guard down.  I want to take things slow…I hope you understand, basketball team. We’ll see how I feel after the huge, HUGE game this Tuesday in the CP against Wake. You could maybe even say…that it alllllllll comes down…to that.


Terp Lacrosse team tops Duke in harrassment-free showdown


Usually big ACC tests don’t come this early in the season, but the men’s lacrosse team had one yesterday, and they passed with flying colors over the Dookies, 11-8.

Seniors Jeff Reynolds, the bearded Dan Groot, and team goal leader Jeremy Sieverts paced the Terps. But it was a moral victory of sorts for the Dookies, who allegedly extended their streak of days in which they were not accused of sexual misconduct, racism, or general douchebaggery. Allegedly. That’s almost three whole years now! So that’s nice for the kids.

The #7 Terps are now 3-1…they lost at home to then #8 Georgetown before beating the Dookies at the “neutral site” of Ravens Stadium. UMBC comes to town on March 14. Go Terps!

(Photo credit:


Duke beats Maryland, celebrates with ski trip, uses indigent children instead of skis


So college basketball’s evil empire wins again. Bravo. The team of twerps and 80s movie villains prevails.  Singler is the biggest twerp of them all. There’s just something about him that makes me want to put my fist through the TV. It’s like he lives in some kind of magic bubble. I could picture him walking down the sidewalk one day, eating an ice cream cone, but up ahead a crane has lost control of its wrecking ball, and the ball is headed straight for him, but at the last second a construction worker jumps in the way to save him but dies in the process, and then Singler, who didn’t see the wrecking ball because he was too busy enjoying his delicious ice cream, steps over the worker’s body, tosses 50 cents on the corpse, and walks away thinking about what a nice guy he is, and why couldn’t people be more like him.  I really despise Kyle Singler. F you, you Boo Radley lookin stickbag!

How’s that for some hardcore roundball analysis.  But really, what else is there to say? The Terps lost a hard-fought game. Milbourne continues to be our most consistently good player. The missed free throws were troubling. I hate Gerald Henderson. Best screen ever. I hate Kyle Singler. Vasquez fouled out before the game actually started. Hayes was surprisingly good. I hate Mike Kzhrewyeskzzskis. There’s your summary.

But you know what? A win last night would have been like found money. Now we have NC State, Wake, and UVA. This is the real season-within-a-season. If — IF — we can man up and win those three, I think we may be in. If — IF — we win two of those and IF we win a game in the ACC tourney, I think we may be in. The Terps’ RPI is 58. I’m no RPIologist, but I would describe that as fair to middlin. Looks like another late season run of Maryland being featured in every single national bubble discussion. They should change their name to the Bubbles. The Maryland Bubbles. Go Bubs.


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September 2020