Archive for July, 2009


R.I.P., “Fear the Turtle”


So “Fear the Turtle” is kaput as the official university slogan. And I completely understand. Why not scrap a fun and innovative slogan that everyone associates with your university? You Google it and the first nine links are to Maryland stuff, including a Fear The Turtle sculpture project. Imagine the crestfallen looks on all those little sculptors’ faces. Unacceptable. Did no one think of the sculptors? Where are our elected “leaders” when you need them? We need to remove the veil from our eyes here, unless we want to saddle our young people with a wasteland of moldering kilns and traditional botanical gardens. A dark picture.

In any case, here’s a little help for whomever has that itchy trigger finger in the university marketing office. Yes, it’s the obligatory “blogger makes wacky alternate suggestions” post.

— Maryland is for Faggots
— The Jewel of Prince George’s County
— Terperus: The 13th Labor
— Where We Remain Satisfied With Our Recruiting Efforts, Thanks
— Presented by Under Armour
— One Person. Two Tuitions.
— Winning the Race (my “real” suggestion)
— Hey. You Like Lacrosse?
— Where Passion Burns Like So Many Secondhand Couches
— Our Coaches Will Whoop Your Coaches In a Pie-Eating Contest
— Maryland. Because Fu*k Duke, That’s Why.
— Me Like Beer


Redskins sign Kevin Barnes, are Terp-tastic


The Redskins announced today that they have signed former Terp standout Kevin Barnes to a four-year deal, including a respectable $782,000 signing bonus. Barnes, who was drafted in the third round, will compete for the fourth (or third?) CB spot and if nothing else should get plenty of special teams PT.

The CBs currently in front of Barnes on the roster are the overrated Carlos Rogers, the inconsistent DeAngelo Hall, and the injury-prone Fred Smoot. The fourth CB right now is Justin Tryon. Not exactly Madison and Surtain out there for the Skins this season. Barnes could break in before too long.

Was I the only one who didn’t know that Barnes got the highest Wonderlic score of ANY PROSPECT at the combine? I gotta start reading the papes more often. Either way, call me crazy, call me a homer, but I think Barnes can be a player at the pro level. Sure, he’s a little slender at 6′ 1″ 188, and sure, he’s had some injuries. But he plays his tail off. I don’t see him zeroing in on a slot receiver going across the middle and thinking “wait a second, I’m undersized, I need to pull up.” He’s making the hit. As long as he’s on the field, I think he’ll make an impact.

Barnes joins Edwin Williams, Stephon Heyer, and Scott Burley as former Terps on the Skins roster…tied with Minnesota for the most in the league. (Minnesota? Must be some kind of holdover from the Mike Tice era…don’t forget they also gave the great Shaun Hill his NFL start.) Looks like someone is taking a page from the Official Susan O’Malley Sports Marketing Playbook. Good stuff. Go Terps.

(Photo credit: Football News from a chick)


Oh my god…it’s almost time for training camp?!?!?!


Dude. Go way.  Tryin to sleep.  Dude!  Okay.  All right.  I’m awake.  Stop it!   I’m awake already!   Jackanapes.  Yeah, that’s right…you’re a jackanapes.  You know, you really didn’t have to poke me with the ruler.  I found that excessive, if we can be honest with each other.  Oh, and lookie here!   You seem to have stapled my sleeve to the chair.  What a masterstroke. Very cute, sir.  Is that what they’re teaching the students now down at Gudger College?

So did you want something?  Is there something I can do for you that will expedite your egress from my cubicle here so that I can get back to my delightful nap in the sunny spot of the all-weather carpeting?   What?   It’s JULY 24?!?!?   Boy howdy. Time really flies in the summertime, does it not?  For Pete’s sake, I’m still wearing my stars-and-stripes undies.   What’s that you say?  Almost time for Maryland to start up their football training camp!?!?!? 


Well, looks like it’s time for me to put down the rum funnel and get back to business, huh? And to think, I’ve frittered away the summer napping and quaffing mai tais. Or working too much and caring for a baby. Either way. Six of one.

Camp starts the first week of August, and they open their season Sept. 5 on the road against their bitches California.

Anyone interested in position battles? Great, me neither! Although there should be some good ones, given that approximately 528 seniors departed last year. Might be some pitched battles on the, uh, pitch there.  Huzzah! Fresh blood!  Time for the young guys to shine!  Torrey Smith!  And so on.

The Terps are picked by just about everyone as last or second-to-last in the ACC’s Atlantic Division.  Geez…it’s like they don’t even know Torrey Smith is on the team.  Hey, thank Gosh for Boston College, right? Am I right?  Yeah, they’re gonna suck.  Which means we’ll lose to them 31-0.  Whatevs.   I’m sure we’ll beat Miami or something else crazy to make up for it.

We’ll do more position stuff as the camps get underway.  The machine is up and running now, baby.  You can’t get this toothpaste back in the tube.  And of course, we’ll provide our guest previews and unique brand of hurl-the-beer-can-at-the-TV commentary.  Hope you’ll stay with us. It’ll be fun. Even if the Terps suck. Maybe especially if the Terps suck.


terrapins rising tonight – get ready for more yoga

The Washington Times reported that Comcast SportsNet is bringing back the hit series “Terrapins Rising” for a third season.  If you’re watching the MLB All-Star Game and you need something to flip to on commercials, the season premiere is on at 9:30PM.  Terrapins Rising Season 2 will best be remembered for its coverage of the team’s trip to a yoga studio.

I will tune in to see if Chris Turner has gone with a mullet permanent…

A la Hasselhoff

A la Hasselhoff

  … if he’s going to relax his hair…

The Supremes were solid gold with relaxed hair

The Supremes were solid gold with relaxed hair

or if he’s going with the jheri curl…

The King of the Jheri Curl, Rick James

The King of the Jheri Curl, Rick James

 All of these hair styles say “First Team All-ACC” to me.


New name added to Terps’ basketball roster

Don't call him Kim

Don't call him Kim

New name, yes. New player, no. Forward Jin Soo Kim has changed his name to Jin Soo Choi to honor the stepfather who raised him. Possibly also because Kim is, like, a girly name for girls.

Either way, it looks like I fooled you with my clever headline. Heh. Although I think that depleted all of my Monday energy. I’m going home to take a soak. goterps.

(Photo credit: The Baltimore Sun)


I wonder if Vasquez saw the LeBron dunk

Big Dave Neal not included

Big Dave Neal not included

Sports headlines in the summer dead zone continue to be a neverending source of amusement. This week’s fake story, of course, is the thing about LeBron getting all dunked on at his own camp — OOHHHHHHHHH! DID YOU SEE THAT?!?!! No. Because, in the understandable interest of not becoming the next Devin Harris, LeBron had the tapes confiscated. No YouTubery for us. Instead, we have to settle for video of the dunker discussing the dunk in an interview like he just found a cure for syphilis. Next up on First And Ten: A MONSTER dunk…gets talked about. By Skip Bayless. Oh, and Royals-Twins highlights. Please stay with us. PLEASE!!!

Does this have anything to do with the Terps? Nah. Oh wait…yes, it does. Because Vasquez was at the camp. I bet he saw it go down. I wonder if he reacted demonstratively. Overall, it’s good to see that he’s keeping busy this summer. An invitation to the LeBron skills academy is followed by a FIBA tournament with the Venezuelan national team and puttin in plenty of work at the CP, among other things. I know there’s no offseason for these guys anymore, but after the draft camps he could have packed it in a little bit for the summer. But he’s not. I’m not exactly Vasquez Superfan Numero Uno, but I’m really glad to see that he seems so committed to the Terps and to next season. A cynic might say it’s all to improve his draft stock, but so what? In the immortal words of Owen Wilson, there’s more than one way to get to the waterfall, baby.


umd bows to shell games pressure, hires new baseball coach

Shell Games endorses the choice of Erik Bakich for head coach.

Shell Games endorses the choice of Erik Bakich for head coach.

The Freedom of the Press is a strong democratic lever in this country.  In case you had any doubts, witness the fact that the University of Maryland bowed to the pressure put on by this blog, Shell Games, regarding the mediocre state of the baseball team.  In the face of repeated criticism put on by Shell Games, Maryland took a dramatic step in resurrecting its baseball program by replacing Terry Rupp with newly minted head coach Erik Bakich.

My main criticism of the program was that it could not attract top talent despite the combination of a) being in the ACC, a top baseball conference, b) residing in a metro area that hosts two major league teams and a wealth of farm teams and developmental leagues, and c) having a fan base that will back a winner no matter what sport it is.  According to the Terps press release, Bakich was hired specifically for his proven recruiting abilities.  The press release stated that Bakich “[hauled] in top-25 classes all seven years in Nashville, including the top-ranked national class in 2005 and second-ranked national class in 2008.”

The release also stated that Bakich was on point for recruiting the 2002 Clemson team that went to the CWS championship game.  This guy is a proven winner.  It appears that Maryland is finally taking baseball seriously and I, for one, am excited about this move.  I can’t wait to see some real action at Shipley Field.  I’ve got a fever, and the the only thing that’s going to cool me down is some summertime Terrapin Baseball.

The power of the press is alive and well in America folks.  Shell Games spoke.  The University listened and reacted.  Need I say more?


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July 2009