Posts Tagged ‘Jamari McCulloch


A Maryland-MTSU preview from President Barack Obama

obama-superman Good afternoon. Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you. You know, just yesterday I had a chance to visit with a few folks out at the Comcast Center.  Doin’ a great job over there. And while I’m here in Terp country, I wanted to talk for a moment about the true cornerstone of my presidency: sports predictions. So.  Let me take this opportunity — to — share some thoughts — on tomorrow’s — game.

Look.  You may recall that Middle Tennessee State upset the Terps last year in Murfreesboro — a city in which — I imagine — I am not welcome.

But I don’t wish to discuss the divisive politics of the past.  I wish to discuss Dwight Dasher, the MTSU quarterback — who does it all.  Literally.  He accounts for 80 percent of the offense and more than half of their all-purpose yards. Philip Tanner, their running back, is out for this game.  But no matter.  Because Dasher leads the team in rushing yards with 193, along with 435 passing yards. I’m sure that if Dasher could throw the football — to himself — he would also — lead the team — in — receiving.

Now.  Make no mistake. Maryland is experiencing some adversity.  Instead of left tackle Bruce Campbell, who is a mountain of a man, we have Paul Pinegar, whose last name — rhymes — with “vinegar.”  Instead of safety Jamari McCulloch, we have Eric Franklin. Instead of cornerback Nolan Carroll, who is — the team’s — fourth-leading tackler — we have Cameron Chism.  At least Nolan will be tossing the coin to start the game. In a similarly empty gesture of conciliation, I have asked my staff to consider Nolan as the nation’s first Czar of Tibular Health. He will be the first person to ever hold this office. No one — no one –will ever be able to take that away from him.

Look. It is all going to come down, once again, to the lines for this Maryland team. No one in this country should ever have to be embarrassed on television just because they cannot hold a block or wrap up a running back. And if they don’t come together as one, I fear that the Terps — could be ripe — for another — embarrassing — day.  But in the end, MTSU will be susceptible to the Terps’ attack. Under Chris Turner’s leadership, these Terps have always risen — off the mat — in times of need.

So. With all due respect to the Blue Raiders, I will select the Terrapins for the victory today. And this is despite my trepidation. I would not be the first president to witness a Middle Tennessee State victory over the Terps, but with any luck — I will be the last. Thank you. God bless you. And may God bless the Terrapins of the University of Maryland.

Prediction: Maryland 24, MTSU 16


Dear Meow Mix Bowl organizers


Dear Meow Mix Bowl organizers,

My letter to you today serves a dual purpose.  First of all, I want to apologize to you and the entire Meow Mix family. I have belittled your bowl game event in the past, and I realize now that I was remiss in that.  Meow Mix is a very high-quality brand of cat feed.  Maybe the best.  I have found your Hairball Control variety to be particularly effective, with my fictional cat now horking up, oh, say, 25 percent less hair, thanks to your special blend of enzymes and catalysts. It also comes in little Xs and Os, much like our human cereal.  I like that.  Did you determine that those shapes make the feed more, like, visually appealing to the cats?  Brilliant.  Again, a tip of the cap to you for all the great work you do.

I sing your praises today, however, not only because of your unwavering commitment to delivering first-rate cat feed at affordable prices, but to ask that you add a new team to your bowl game watch list: my beloved Maryland Terrapins. I know, I know, we’re just two games in, and they’re 1-1. And they now finish a relatively easy homestand with Middle Tennessee State, Rutgers, and ACC opener Clemson. Not too daunting, but they probably need to go 4-1 to be a “contender,” and 3-2 to be respectable. Truth be told, after JMU I wonder about the prospects of obtaining either of these records. The ACC is soft this year and can definitely be had, but still, I wonder. And I worry.

And that, Meow Mix Bowl organizers, is where you come in.

You see, the thing is, we haven’t played particularly well as of yet. Our young and executionally challenged lines mean that we stall on offense, and need our defensive playmakers to overblitz and play help roles. And we have injuries. Big left tackle Bruce Campbell and little safety Jamari McCulloch are both out again this week, and now CB Nolan Carroll is likely done for the season. This is not good. And don’t get me started on Alex Wujciak. That’s another letter.

So anyway, this all brings me around to my request. Maybe you can go ahead and slot us in for Meow Mix this winter? Kind of like early admission to college; we won’t accept any other bowl offers, but you have to give us preferential status.  I know we would be honored to play in the Meow Mix Bowl. And I can speak for the program on that one. Really. I have that authorization.

So in closing, thank you again for providing such a top-flight cat feed formula — the cat feed formula so good, so delicate in its flavor profile, so toothsome for the feline pallette — that cats literally ask for it by name. Can Whiskas make a similar claim? They cannot.  When did you last hear a cat request Fancy Feast?  It is unpossible.  But also, and almost more importantly, thank you for considering the Maryland Terps for the Meow Mix Bowl, which provides an amazing fan experience for consumers young and old, who receive not only valuable exposure to the Meow Mix brand and family of products, but also to a moving and spectacular American football demonstration. Thank you for your time.

Bobby the sick boy with cancer


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