Dear Meow Mix Bowl organizers,
My letter to you today serves a dual purpose. First of all, I want to apologize to you and the entire Meow Mix family. I have belittled your bowl game event in the past, and I realize now that I was remiss in that. Meow Mix is a very high-quality brand of cat feed. Maybe the best. I have found your Hairball Control variety to be particularly effective, with my fictional cat now horking up, oh, say, 25 percent less hair, thanks to your special blend of enzymes and catalysts. It also comes in little Xs and Os, much like our human cereal. I like that. Did you determine that those shapes make the feed more, like, visually appealing to the cats? Brilliant. Again, a tip of the cap to you for all the great work you do.
I sing your praises today, however, not only because of your unwavering commitment to delivering first-rate cat feed at affordable prices, but to ask that you add a new team to your bowl game watch list: my beloved Maryland Terrapins. I know, I know, we’re just two games in, and they’re 1-1. And they now finish a relatively easy homestand with Middle Tennessee State, Rutgers, and ACC opener Clemson. Not too daunting, but they probably need to go 4-1 to be a “contender,” and 3-2 to be respectable. Truth be told, after JMU I wonder about the prospects of obtaining either of these records. The ACC is soft this year and can definitely be had, but still, I wonder. And I worry.
And that, Meow Mix Bowl organizers, is where you come in.
You see, the thing is, we haven’t played particularly well as of yet. Our young and executionally challenged lines mean that we stall on offense, and need our defensive playmakers to overblitz and play help roles. And we have injuries. Big left tackle Bruce Campbell and little safety Jamari McCulloch are both out again this week, and now CB Nolan Carroll is likely done for the season. This is not good. And don’t get me started on Alex Wujciak. That’s another letter.
So anyway, this all brings me around to my request. Maybe you can go ahead and slot us in for Meow Mix this winter? Kind of like early admission to college; we won’t accept any other bowl offers, but you have to give us preferential status. I know we would be honored to play in the Meow Mix Bowl. And I can speak for the program on that one. Really. I have that authorization.
So in closing, thank you again for providing such a top-flight cat feed formula — the cat feed formula so good, so delicate in its flavor profile, so toothsome for the feline pallette — that cats literally ask for it by name. Can Whiskas make a similar claim? They cannot. When did you last hear a cat request Fancy Feast? It is unpossible. But also, and almost more importantly, thank you for considering the Maryland Terps for the Meow Mix Bowl, which provides an amazing fan experience for consumers young and old, who receive not only valuable exposure to the Meow Mix brand and family of products, but also to a moving and spectacular American football demonstration. Thank you for your time.
Bobby the sick boy with cancer