04
Sep
09

A Maryland-Cal preview from special guest Kate Gosselin

kate-gosselin-wedding-dressOK, guys. Listen up!  Are you listening?  I need complete silence from you guys right now, OK?  Mommy’s about to do some blogging. I know, honey…yes, it’s for the losers.  I know.  But remember last week, when Mommy’s head spun around in a full circle, and her eyes got all white?  Yes, very good Mady…that was Scary Mommy. If you don’t want to see Scary Mommy again, please be quiet. Mommy appreciates it. I’m supposedly getting twelve dollars for this.  Eat your Kentucky Grilled Chicken, OK?

OK, sorry, hi, blog reader out there.  “Sports fan.”   What, are you pouting because John Summeralls isn’t here instead?   Well, let me tell you one thing, bucko.  We’re doing this my way?  Or you can hit the highway.  Because I don’t want to hear it from you.  Don’t like it?  Look, I’m packing you a bag.  See?  It’s full of soiled diapers, FDS and Altoids Gum.  That should get you to Allentown, right?  Or maybe you just want to sit back down.

Pussy.

So is there football starting tomorrow or are you just happy to see me? Probably a little of both.  Conjuring up The Orange Bikini Shot?  Got a little Gosselin burn-in, do you?  I don’t blame you.  You see this?   No telling where the stretch marks end and the lipo scars begin.  It’s like a scarway to heaven, ahahahaha!  So you just keep on daydreaming, buddy boy.  That is, unless your last name is “Clooney” or “Philbin.”  Is it?  It’s not?  Oh, okay.  Back to your Doritos then, desk jockey.  Don’t strain yourself there.

As we all know, Maryland upset Cal last year when the Bears were ranked #23.  But this year, the Bears are ranked #12.  Whereas Maryland lost 30 players after last season, the Bears return 17 starters.  You do the math.  The biggest star for either team is Heisman Trophy Candidate Jahvid Best. He’s a finesse guy, and he’s on the home Astroturf this time around. You know what that means.  Track meet.  Best ran for 1,580 yards in 2008, 916 of which came at home — and he missed one of those games.  Yeah, Maryland held him to a season-low 25 yards last year, but who’s gonna make Jahvid Best puke on Saturday?  Ahh, Kevin Barnes — now THERE was a man. Not like you guys; no offense.  But you know what I mean, you know?  Plus, apparently Jahvid is out for blood this year.  And I can relate.  I have also developed a taste for blood.  But Jon was all like, “stop cutting me open in the middle of the night,” and “we can’t raise children just to harvest their blood,” and yadda yadda yadda.  It was always about him, his needs.

But it’s not just about Best for Cal. They’re returning eight starters on a defense that ranked 26th nationally last year. Their defensive line is particularly strong, anchored by senior Tyson Alualu.  Wow — a West Coast team with a big Polynesian guy on defense.  Shocking.  But still, I guess he might be a problem for Da’rel Scott and the Terp runner guys, which could translate to a big test for Torrey Smith, Adrian Cannon, LaQuan Williams, and the rest of those young buck receivers if the runner guys stall. Yoo-hoo, young bucks!  Ever seen a cougar before?  Look, I’m on the “prowl” right now.  Rawr!

Oh, paparazzi!  How did you put yourselves in my speed dial?

Oh, paparazzi! How did you put yourselves in my speed dial?

One more thing about the game.  Maryland’s big weakness — the lines — may not be such a big deal against Cal, who aren’t exactly known for their smashmouth football.

ALEXIS!  Stay out of there!  You know Daddy’s room is off limits while Mommy turns it into a wine bar.   Eat your Kentucky Grilled Chicken.  Good stuff, right, Lexi?  All you moms out there know what I’m talking about.  Or anyone who’s ever respected a mom.  Go check out Kentucky Grilled Chicken!   It’s really been my strength lately.  My stability.

Bottom line.  Let me try to break it to you gently. I think Cal’s gonna kick your heinies. They want revenge, they’re at home, they’ve got more horses and more experience. (Maryland’s still gonna cover that ridiculous 22-point spread, though.)  Now before you start whining at me — I can’t STAND it when a man whines — you need to understand that I think Maryland will win some games this year.  Okay?  Just not this one.

Prediction:  Maryland 12 (no successful extra points), Cal 30

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1 Response to “A Maryland-Cal preview from special guest Kate Gosselin”


  1. September 4, 2009 at 1:17 pm

    Kate, you ignorant slut. Maryland wins 20-17, jumping out to an early lead and grinding down the Cal defense with the Scott/Meggett combo. We need to come up with a nickname for that combo.


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