Our punter is like the Ferrari, no no, the MAYBACH of punters

Writing about football in June is like starting the Christmas shopping season on November 1…but until people buy more Thanksgiving crap, you leave the poor retailers little choice. After all, what would you have the Hallmark store do? If you don’t want to see Xmas ornaments in the summer, buy more Kewpie snow globes and Administrative Professionals Day centerpieces. Or else, stare down the maw of a world lacking these products. It would be just like that video game.

The same goes for sports media. There are no offseasons. The beast must be fed.  The machine must be oiled and luby at all times. That’s why I’m doing a story about a punter right now. Punters are the Santa Clause mouse pad of the Shell Games offseason. Well, that, and the fact that the Maryland football team stinks.

Yeah, that’s right.  Wrapped up in the offseason analysis and optimism, like a ball of dog crap inside a warm fluffy layer of mashed potatoes, is the simple reality that the team is likely headed for more mediocrity. At best.  The Terps lost four guys on the O-line and three on the D-line. Only 10 starters total are returning. Perhaps that’s why a lot of different places, including this outstanding if depressing preview from the New York Times college sports blog, basically have the Terps squeaking into a bowl, any bowl, as the best-case scenario. (Perhaps the EagleBank Bowl?!?! Fingers crossed!)   Recruiting problems — yes, more recruiting problems! — are also  to blame here, according to the Testudo Times.

So with 7-5 or thereabouts on the horizon again, on to what do we hang our rationalizations when the leaves begin to assume their autumnal splendor?   The punter.  That is what. Travis Baltz, baby.  Also known as the team’s only All-America prospect.  I gotta say, he has legs for miles.  Last year he made all-ACC first team with a 41.1 ypk average. And mind you, he was just a sophomore.  Can you believe it?  My head spins when I ponder the upside.  With a weapon like that in your field-position-battle arsenal?  Forget about it.  Thanks for coming, guys.  Because when our possession’s over, that’s when it’s game over for you.   So just keep inciting us into those false starts, you oblivious fools.  Travis Baltz will be our Grond.

Field position battle count: Opponents, jack squat. Maryland, eleventy thousand. That’s the only scoreboard I need.

So yes, big things expected from our punter. BIG THINGS. Here’s hoping he can block for himself as well.  With the upside of Baltz, anything is possible.  See you between the white lines, buddy.   Santa mousepads?  I’ll take three cases.

3 Responses to “Our punter is like the Ferrari, no no, the MAYBACH of punters”

  1. June 30, 2009 at 3:11 pm

    Special teams are an important aspect of the game. Some would say that games are won and lost on special teams. Don’t underestimate the importance of a good punter. A guy like that could…
    Eh, who am I kidding, punting sucks. No wonder why they can’t sell out the skyboxes at Byrd. Who would pay that kind of money to go see a team whose best player is the punter? We should start a punting cheer for the kid, like “Pin em deep! Push em back! Give that ball a big whack… with your foot!”


  2. 2 pid
    June 30, 2009 at 3:37 pm

    Yep. We’d be much better off with a shit punter. Let’s stick to making fun of our shitty players. Like the entire offensive line. Oh wait. None of them have ever started a game.

  3. June 30, 2009 at 3:48 pm

    Nah…I kinda like making fun of them all. Let’s stick with that.

    But in general, did I say we’d be better off with a shit punter? Nope. And if you read carefully I’m not really making fun of him in any case. I’m making fun of the fact that the punter is arguably our best player. I’m no Bill Belichick, but you know what? I don’t think it’s a good sign when your punter is your team’s top player.

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