Hey, great news! Perfectly timed with the current economic boom, the University of Maryland wants to give YOU a preview of the 64 new Byrd Stadium luxury suites set to open this season. Are you excited to take advantage of this exciting opportunity? I’ve got both my hands in the air.
Suites start at $275 “per guest per game.” What do you get for this money? Well, sir, according to the release, these suites provide you with “all the comforts of home.” Just take a look at that photo up there, eh? Take yourself a gander. Have you ever seen more
homely homey digs? I know I haven’t. Each suite’s got, like, cabinets and shit. I think I see a sink. In addition, do I spy some papers on the counter there? For a small upcharge, they’ll scatter those papers on the floor for you. Now we’re talking homestyle. But wait, there’s more! Each suite also comes with in-seat food service. I hope that means they’ll bring me some of those famous dining hall/Comcast Center hamburgers that taste like toilet miasma. Here’s hoping. I could intensify the dining experience by taking the hamburger into my own private restroom area. Private restroom areas? Hell yeah, fool. Boom.
To be fair, $275 per person doesn’t seem like a terrible price for a luxury suite (Nats, Verizon, and FedEx don’t even post their prices online). But judging by that photo, and harkening back to my days on campus, it seems that the university isn’t overly interested in providing a whole lot of, shall we say, bells and whistles. Charging you for them, yes. Providing them for you, no. The release even says that the seats are “vital to the growth of the Maryland football program.” Oh, okay. So buy them because you want to help the team…not because they’re actually, you know, worth the cost. Duly noted. But I think I’ll stick with my nosebleeds, thank you so much.
(Photo credit: UMTerps.com)