14
Feb
09

Two hard-boiled basketball coaches walk into a bar…

gary

Gary Williams: Bartender. Double Chivas on the rocks please.

A voice behind him: Make it two.

ACC Media Day Basketball

Seth Greenberg: Whaddya know, Gary? Looks like we got the same taste in Scotch.

Gary: I’ve been a Chivas man since I was 15. I used to mix mine with Maalox, but lately I’ve been taking it straight.

Seth: Sometimes I like to grind up some No Doz tablets in there. It’s great for long recruiting trips.

(Awkward pause)

Gary: Say, our drinks are here.

(They raise glasses)

Gary: No hard feelings about the game today, huh?

Seth: What can I say?  Your team wanted it more today. It was a must-win game for you and you got it.  Great job, coach.

Gary: Here’s to Gus Gilchrist developing a fungal infection on his scrotum.

Seth: Good Lord…I toast to the exact same thing! Every time.

(They clink glasses, drain their drinks, order another round)

Gary: Small world.

Seth: Indeed.  Great game today, though, seriously. Our man-to-man defense is usually pretty tough, but you shredded it.

Gary: For a second there I thought you had us with that half-court 1-3-1.

Seth: Well, I’ll tell ya, that Milbourne kid is something else. People don’t really talk about him, but he has quietly become the best player you’ve got. He always seems to make the right play.

Gary: I appreciate his steadiness. He’s always focused, always ready to play. Sometimes, my guys seem a little tightly wound.

Seth: (takes big swig) You don’t say.

Gary: No, it’s true. I don’t know what the problem is either. I talk about it in practice all the time. You have to focus, I tell them. Play for 40 minutes! A lot of the times I SCREAM it at them. YOU’VE GOTTA BE INTENSE THE WHOLE GAME, I say! INTENSITY!!!! YOU GOTTA BE INTENSE!

Seth: I actually don’t talk the entire offseason so I have extra screaming power come practice time.

Gary: I make Braxton Dupree cry periodically. We have to stop the whole goddamn practice so Big Dave Neal can rub his back until he calms down. HEY, ANOTHER DRINK OVER HERE!

Seth: Sometimes I try to read the mentality of my guys and tailor my approach to each individual player, but whatever, that’s just me.

Gary: Wuss.

Seth: DID YOU JUST CALL ME A WUSS?

Gary: I SURELY DID, WHAT, YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?

Seth: YOU DRUNK, I’M CUTTIN YOU OFF!

Gary: WHAT! WHAT! YOU CAN’T CUT ME OFF, THAT’S RIDICULOUS ARE YOU EVEN WATCHING WHAT’S GOING ON THIS IS ONLY MY NINTH DRINK OPEN YOUR EYES JERK-OFF! JESUS!

a_williams_195

Seth: PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT YOU’RE DOING WHY DON’T YOU. USE YOUR HEAD MORON, YOU’RE SLOSHING EVERYWHERE THIS TIE IS FROM SEARS GODDAMMIT, IT’S HOKIE ORANGE YOU GONNA REPLACE IT? ANSWER ME!  I OUGHTTA CHOKE YOU OUT RIGHT NOW!

greenberg

Gary: All right, all right, fine.  I’ll replace the tie.

Seth: Great, hey, thank you so much, man.

Gary: No problem, hey, so what were we talking about, oh right, the game.  We played well, but we got lucky, too; Malcolm Delaney was off today.

Seth: Yeah, he was jacked up for his homecoming and he just came out too tight. I bet it was interesting to see a player from the other team get rattled.

Gary: You kid, but it truly was. And hey, we closed out the game today.  It was a good thing to see.

Seth: For you.

Gary: Well, I needed it. The wolves are at my door, Seth. You know, you try to do things the right way, and you get shit for not recruiting blue chip players from the big cities. But then when you recruit blue chip players from the big cities, you get shit because their “character” isn’t meeting some artificial standard. Everyone wants me to find a kid with Kobe Bryant’s game and Mother Teresa’s disposition. Where are those kids, Seth?

Seth: You got me, Gary.

Gary: Well, you got me, too.

Seth: I’m just like you. I don’t get many blue chips either — I coach ’em up the old-fashioned way.  But I have yet to get quite as much out of one of my teams as you’ve gotten from yours. You’re a damn good coach, Gary.

Gary: Can we get you on TV?  Where’s Dave Feldman when you need him.

Seth: Bottom line, Gary, you win four of your last six, and you’re probably in the tourney. It’ll be tough, but it could happen. Can you believe it?

Gary: Don’t even say that, Seth.  TAKE IT BACK THIS SECOND!

Seth: I love you, man.

Gary: No way, man. I love YOU.

Seth: Right back atcha buddy.

Gary: Awesome. Now let’s destroy all the camera phones in here and go get some chicken wings.

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4 Responses to “Two hard-boiled basketball coaches walk into a bar…”


  1. 1 terphed
    February 14, 2009 at 7:16 pm

    That was hilarious. I love it. Williams and Greenberg are two guys who eat and breathe the game. Tech gave Maryland a bit of a scare down the stretch when they cut it to three, but the Terps shot very well today. It was great to see them keep their poise with Vasquez out at the end of the game. Solid win.

  2. 3 Dave
    February 17, 2009 at 1:49 pm

    Gilchrist is getting 9.6 ppg and 4.5 boards. Do you really think that would make a significant difference at either school? And considering he wouldn’t be allowed to play for Maryland this year, what does it matter? His potential is great, but after a season to get the rust off, it would 2010-11 before he made an impact at Maryland. Get over it and try getting more than one decent player from Maryland a year. Seriously, with the talent that Baltimore produces every year, there is no excuse for the Terps to not be a top-15 program, Gilchrist or no Gilchrist.

  3. February 17, 2009 at 2:24 pm

    Dave, are you related to Big Dave Neal? Can I call you Big Dave?

    First off, the Gilchrist reference that has so inflamed you was one sentence in a 1,500-word post…so I’m not sure who needs to get over what.

    But in any case, Big Dave, here’s the deal. The problem is not that we miss Gilchrist per se…it’s that because he welched on his commitments at the last second, the teams’ recruiting was hampered. They stopped looking for bigs when they thought Gilchrist was coming, so when he left they were stuck with no post players. That, and not his statistics, is the problem.

    As far as Maryland’s recruiting woes, we agree with you, although it’s not exactly breaking news, to which our approximately 5,000 recent blog posts on that subject can attest.


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