Gary Williams: Bartender. Double Chivas on the rocks please.
A voice behind him: Make it two.
Seth Greenberg: Whaddya know, Gary? Looks like we got the same taste in Scotch.
Gary: I’ve been a Chivas man since I was 15. I used to mix mine with Maalox, but lately I’ve been taking it straight.
Seth: Sometimes I like to grind up some No Doz tablets in there. It’s great for long recruiting trips.
Gary: Say, our drinks are here.
(They raise glasses)
Gary: No hard feelings about the game today, huh?
Seth: What can I say? Your team wanted it more today. It was a must-win game for you and you got it. Great job, coach.
Gary: Here’s to Gus Gilchrist developing a fungal infection on his scrotum.
Seth: Good Lord…I toast to the exact same thing! Every time.
(They clink glasses, drain their drinks, order another round)
Gary: Small world.
Seth: Indeed. Great game today, though, seriously. Our man-to-man defense is usually pretty tough, but you shredded it.
Gary: For a second there I thought you had us with that half-court 1-3-1.
Seth: Well, I’ll tell ya, that Milbourne kid is something else. People don’t really talk about him, but he has quietly become the best player you’ve got. He always seems to make the right play.
Gary: I appreciate his steadiness. He’s always focused, always ready to play. Sometimes, my guys seem a little tightly wound.
Seth: (takes big swig) You don’t say.
Gary: No, it’s true. I don’t know what the problem is either. I talk about it in practice all the time. You have to focus, I tell them. Play for 40 minutes! A lot of the times I SCREAM it at them. YOU’VE GOTTA BE INTENSE THE WHOLE GAME, I say! INTENSITY!!!! YOU GOTTA BE INTENSE!
Seth: I actually don’t talk the entire offseason so I have extra screaming power come practice time.
Gary: I make Braxton Dupree cry periodically. We have to stop the whole goddamn practice so Big Dave Neal can rub his back until he calms down. HEY, ANOTHER DRINK OVER HERE!
Seth: Sometimes I try to read the mentality of my guys and tailor my approach to each individual player, but whatever, that’s just me.
Seth: DID YOU JUST CALL ME A WUSS?
Gary: I SURELY DID, WHAT, YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?
Seth: YOU DRUNK, I’M CUTTIN YOU OFF!
Gary: WHAT! WHAT! YOU CAN’T CUT ME OFF, THAT’S RIDICULOUS ARE YOU EVEN WATCHING WHAT’S GOING ON THIS IS ONLY MY NINTH DRINK OPEN YOUR EYES JERK-OFF! JESUS!
Seth: PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT YOU’RE DOING WHY DON’T YOU. USE YOUR HEAD MORON, YOU’RE SLOSHING EVERYWHERE THIS TIE IS FROM SEARS GODDAMMIT, IT’S HOKIE ORANGE YOU GONNA REPLACE IT? ANSWER ME! I OUGHTTA CHOKE YOU OUT RIGHT NOW!
Gary: All right, all right, fine. I’ll replace the tie.
Seth: Great, hey, thank you so much, man.
Gary: No problem, hey, so what were we talking about, oh right, the game. We played well, but we got lucky, too; Malcolm Delaney was off today.
Seth: Yeah, he was jacked up for his homecoming and he just came out too tight. I bet it was interesting to see a player from the other team get rattled.
Gary: You kid, but it truly was. And hey, we closed out the game today. It was a good thing to see.
Seth: For you.
Gary: Well, I needed it. The wolves are at my door, Seth. You know, you try to do things the right way, and you get shit for not recruiting blue chip players from the big cities. But then when you recruit blue chip players from the big cities, you get shit because their “character” isn’t meeting some artificial standard. Everyone wants me to find a kid with Kobe Bryant’s game and Mother Teresa’s disposition. Where are those kids, Seth?
Seth: You got me, Gary.
Gary: Well, you got me, too.
Seth: I’m just like you. I don’t get many blue chips either — I coach ’em up the old-fashioned way. But I have yet to get quite as much out of one of my teams as you’ve gotten from yours. You’re a damn good coach, Gary.
Gary: Can we get you on TV? Where’s Dave Feldman when you need him.
Seth: Bottom line, Gary, you win four of your last six, and you’re probably in the tourney. It’ll be tough, but it could happen. Can you believe it?
Gary: Don’t even say that, Seth. TAKE IT BACK THIS SECOND!
Seth: I love you, man.
Gary: No way, man. I love YOU.
Seth: Right back atcha buddy.
Gary: Awesome. Now let’s destroy all the camera phones in here and go get some chicken wings.