All right, all right. Maryland-Wake Forest preview, huh? What is this, football? Come on, people, is this really what you want to talk about? This is so typical of us Americans. I mean, God bless us, but we are committing financial suicide every day. That’s no hyperbole. Going out to eat, buying new clothing, “enjoying life.” These are the warning signs. Wake up, people! And panic. Listen to me! You need to panic! Okay? Why can’t you understand that?
But whatever. You want to blab about a silly football game? You want me to “break it down” for you? Fine. But you need to give me some information first. You need to understand that I need the info. I don’t know what your team’s situation is! Every team is different. Don’t you get that? Every. Team. Is. Different.
So here’s my info for you. Got a pencil? Great. First of all, Maryland fans, you can’t just sit back and say “oh, they always win big games, I don’t need to worry.” No. You need to worry. If your team doesn’t get its act together, there’s gonna be big problems down the road. And I’m not talking about “woe is me, I can’t go to the Orange Bowl this year.” I’m talking about going to a bowl game, period. At all. That is what you’re up against. Every single game, every half, every down, is crucial. This team needs to play tight! Like their lives depend on it. That’s the situation you’ve created for yourselves. Don’t like it? Jump in a lake.
This is an interesting matchup for Maryland, I must tell you. First off, my sources tell me that Da’rel Scott is rounding back into form. So the offensive line is bad. So what? The defensive line is bad, too. What’s your point? That it “hampers the team’s effectiveness”?!?! SHUT UP!
So if you’re Maryland, here’s what you do. You get your playmakers involved. Your Scotts, your Darrius Heyward-Beys, what have you. Okay? Just get ’em involved. I don’t care how, just do it!
Now, for Wake. They’re #19 in the country. It seems to me that they’re good everywhere, but great nowhere. They’re embodied by their steady if unspectacular quarterback Riley Skinner and a strong defense that is third in the ACC in turnover margin. They can pass on the Terps’ pathetic secondary, and they could really take advantage of the Terps’ offensive inconsistencies.
But hold the phone, tiger. Did I say I was finished? No, I didn’t. Despite all this, the Deeks’ offense seems a little one-dimensional. They can’t punch it in! Is that what you want in a football team? Didn’t think so. They’ve had some success, but at the same time, they’re not going to overwhelm you.
Bottom line: do I need to spell it out for you? Helllooooo. MARYLAND GETS UP FOR BIG GAMES. Plus they’re at home. And you’re wondering about the outcome of this? Are you kidding me? Please. If they get their act together, they’ve got this one in the bag.
Now can we talk about something worthwhile? Like your financial troubles? That’s one of my favorite topics. You know, because you can’t keep living like a pig in the slophouse forever. Buying sweaters? For autumn? I just…I don’t know what to say. You need to change your behavior. How do you do it? Two words: cat food. I know, I know. It’s food for cats. But quit your whining, will you? You’re giving me a headache. None of your precious bridge club members have to watch you eat it. Just replace your regular food with cat food three, four, five times a week, and watch the savings pile up! Eat it in the closet if you’re too weak to face yourself. Now go away and leave me alone! You people make me sick.
Prediction: Maryland 17, Wake 13