Awww, I admit it. I know my job’s in jeopardy. We’re 1-3 so far, and that includes a 31-3 loss to Duke and a, gulp, 45-10 loss to Connecticut. We’re bad. Okay? There, I said it. We are a bad, just a god-awful football team. And it’s all my fault. Are you happy now? We suck. Suck. Offense, defense, special teams, you name it. And now we’ve got to play Maryland, the hottest team in the ACC? Awww, maaaan! It’s just not fair. Cripes!
I know a lot of people want to ride me out of town on a rail. A lot of people wonder how guys like me and Dave Wannestedt even get these head coaching jobs. They ask vulgar questions, like how many penises did we have to manipulate to receive our current positions. [sigh] People nowadays, they just cross the line sometimes. Dave is a good friend of mine, and I can tell you that he has only had to manipulate a VERY few penises. And me? Well, it’s darn near close to zero. So there, guys!
So before you warm up the tar and pluck the chicken feathers, why don’t you remember all the good things? I’ve got an exciting pro-style offense! I’m a Virginia alum! I got to all the, like, university events and stuff. And hey…back in 2005, we went into Nashville and we won the Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl. Remember that? Or do your memories just conveniently not go back that far? How convenient. And what about D’Brickashaw Ferguson? Big offensive tackle, now playing in the NFL? Remember how D’Brickashaw, with his charmingly quirky Afro-American name made us all believe again? How about that UVA student who drank too much jungle juice one night and made a bet to legally change his name to D’Brickashaw if they went to a bowl, and they did it, and he did it, but then like six months later he changed it back to Percy Masterson Hardingworth IV? Ah, that was great. Our students are a bunch of snobs. I don’t care if they throw a frisbee. Snobs.
So anyway, yes, what about all these good times? Just too many to count. So fire me if you want, but leave the kids alone. The kids. Or, wait, don’t fire me. That was rhetorical. I did not mean that. We all know how up and down Maryland is, so let’s pray to God they come in soft after their big win last week. Let’s all pray together, shall we? And maybe we can win one…for me! The Grohmeister. Lord knows I deserve it.
Prediction: Maryland 34, Virigina 13