There Will Be Previews: A Delaware Football Analysis from Mr. Daniel Plainview

Ladies and gentlemen?  Ladies and gentlemen.  Thank you all so much for visiting with us this morning.  Now, I trust that you all have heard some of the more, shall we say, extravagant rumors about this preview.  But this is the face!  No great mystery.

I like to think of myself as a football man.  I have a team in California producing at five touchdowns a week.  And those men work for me.  They don’t go losing their helmets on the gridiron or leaving the field before the game is complete.  So, ladies and gentlemen, when I say that I’m a football man, you will agree.

Now, as a football man, I’m better at drawing up plays in the dirt than making speeches, so I hope you’ll forgive just good old-fashioned plain speaking.   I recently traveled up Interstatial Road number 95 to see about these Delaware Blue Hens that are the first opponent of the Terrapins football team this 2008 season.  I have to say they seem a stout lot.  They love fresh air and hunting for seeds. They have an old rivalry with the Terps, much as the boys at Standard have a bone to pick with Union Oil. And speaking of rivalries, there seems to be a bit of controversy at quarterback, whereby Ohio State transfer Rob Schoenhoft and redshirt freshman Lou Ritacco are squaring off, and no one will know the winner until the Blue Hens take the field on the morrow!

Now, ladies and gentleman, Delaware finished in second position in Division 1-AA last year. They have a novel offense and are long on razzle-dazzle. So you know that when it comes to the showdown, they’ll be there.

But what to make of the game tomorrow?  Delaware’s got moxie, to be certain, but that’s not to say that when they face off against Maryland, there won’t be guts, or ichor, or red stuff. Because there will be those things.  Because Division 1-AA is just the…afterbirth. So let me propose it to you this way, Blue Hens. Let’s say you have a milkshake. And I am Maryland, and I have a milkshake! And I have a straw, here it is! And my straw reaches acrooooooooooossss the room, to your milkshake. I…Drink…Your….Milkshake!!! I drink it up! SSSSSSSZZZZZZZHHHHHHHHHLLLLLRRRRRRRRPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!

I’m finished!

Prediction: Maryland 45, Delaware 17


4 Responses to “There Will Be Previews: A Delaware Football Analysis from Mr. Daniel Plainview”

  1. 1 terphed
    August 30, 2008 at 6:46 pm

    Milkshakes go great with cupcakes. Did you know that Delaware is not only an interstate but is actually a state?

  2. 2 rdclutch
    September 4, 2008 at 12:43 pm

    My name is Rodney Clutch and this is my written notice. If you ever try to impersonate my dead uncle Daniel Plainview again or for that matter write another word about him, I will cut your throat out and feed it to the dogs. Let me be clear about this. You can read the writting on the wall can’t you?, it says “Daniel Plainview is Dead.” I see another word about him and I will kill the man that wrote it. Savy?

    This is not about your blog or about your Terrapins. My dead uncle and I have interests to protect and we will stop at nothing. Good day gentlemen.

  3. 3 M.A.S.H.
    September 4, 2008 at 6:07 pm

    Well done RD Clutch. That was a mismatch of like 10 different movies. I was just threatened by Doc Kaiser Dean Soze Earp.

  4. April 8, 2009 at 8:22 am

    Well, these are interesting thoughts. I think they are true. However, everything is
    relative and ambiguous to my mind.

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