Archive for August 29th, 2008


There Will Be Previews: A Delaware Football Analysis from Mr. Daniel Plainview

Ladies and gentlemen?  Ladies and gentlemen.  Thank you all so much for visiting with us this morning.  Now, I trust that you all have heard some of the more, shall we say, extravagant rumors about this preview.  But this is the face!  No great mystery.

I like to think of myself as a football man.  I have a team in California producing at five touchdowns a week.  And those men work for me.  They don’t go losing their helmets on the gridiron or leaving the field before the game is complete.  So, ladies and gentlemen, when I say that I’m a football man, you will agree.

Now, as a football man, I’m better at drawing up plays in the dirt than making speeches, so I hope you’ll forgive just good old-fashioned plain speaking.   I recently traveled up Interstatial Road number 95 to see about these Delaware Blue Hens that are the first opponent of the Terrapins football team this 2008 season.  I have to say they seem a stout lot.  They love fresh air and hunting for seeds. They have an old rivalry with the Terps, much as the boys at Standard have a bone to pick with Union Oil. And speaking of rivalries, there seems to be a bit of controversy at quarterback, whereby Ohio State transfer Rob Schoenhoft and redshirt freshman Lou Ritacco are squaring off, and no one will know the winner until the Blue Hens take the field on the morrow!

Now, ladies and gentleman, Delaware finished in second position in Division 1-AA last year. They have a novel offense and are long on razzle-dazzle. So you know that when it comes to the showdown, they’ll be there.

But what to make of the game tomorrow?  Delaware’s got moxie, to be certain, but that’s not to say that when they face off against Maryland, there won’t be guts, or ichor, or red stuff. Because there will be those things.  Because Division 1-AA is just the…afterbirth. So let me propose it to you this way, Blue Hens. Let’s say you have a milkshake. And I am Maryland, and I have a milkshake! And I have a straw, here it is! And my straw reaches acrooooooooooossss the room, to your milkshake. I…Drink…Your….Milkshake!!! I drink it up! SSSSSSSZZZZZZZHHHHHHHHHLLLLLRRRRRRRRPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!

I’m finished!

Prediction: Maryland 45, Delaware 17


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